Supporting Someone Who Doubts: For Families

This guide is for parents, brothers and sisters, spouses and friends of someone who has told you, or shown you, that they are doubting Islam. It may be the hardest conversation your family has had. You may feel fear, grief, anger or shame, sometimes all at once. Those feelings are understandable. This guide is about what to do with them so that the person you love stays safe, stays close, and stays able to talk to you.

First: what doubt is, and what it is not

Doubt is not apostasy. In no school of Islamic law is a person who has questions, who struggles to pray, or who reads criticism, an apostate. The Prophet’s Companions told him that they found thoughts in themselves too terrible to speak, and he told them that this was clear faith (Muslim 132).¹ Some of the greatest scholars in Islamic history wrote openly about their doubts; our guide doubt and the inner life tells the story of one of them.

Doubt is also not usually a rebellion against you. People doubt for many reasons: an argument they met online, a verse or hadith they cannot reconcile, a painful experience, a sense of not belonging, depression, or simply growing up and asking questions for the first time. Our guide how to assess a doubt describes the different kinds. Very often the person is as frightened as you are.

Safety comes before everything else

Before any conversation about belief, make sure the person is safe. That means safe from violence, from threats, from being forced out of the home with nowhere to go, and from harm to themselves.

Be honest with yourself about your own household and community. If anyone in your family or circle might react with violence, threats, forced marriage, confinement, or by taking away the person’s documents, money or phone, the first duty is to prevent that. None of these is permitted. Even the classical law of apostasy, which our guide what apostasy is in Islamic law describes, gave no individual the right to harm anyone, and the classical jurists condemned anyone who took the law into his own hands.² Shaming, beating or threatening a person into belief is also pointless on Islam’s own terms: “there is no compulsion in religion” (2:256), and faith produced by fear is not faith.

If you are worried that the person may harm themselves, take it seriously. Ask them directly and calmly whether they have thought about it. Asking does not put the idea in their head. If the answer is yes, or you are not sure, help them contact a doctor or a crisis line, and in an emergency call your local emergency number.

Listen before you answer

The most common mistake families make is to answer before they have listened. A person who tells you they are doubting has taken a risk. If the first thing they hear is an argument, a lecture or tears, they learn that it is not safe to talk to you, and they stop.

Try instead to ask, and to keep asking. What is troubling you? When did it start? Is it a particular question, or something more general? How are you feeling? Listen to the answers without interrupting. You do not need to agree with what you hear. You need to understand it.

Some things are better not said, at least at first:

• “You have been brainwashed” or “Who has been talking to you?” These suggest the person cannot think for themselves.
• “You are going to Hell.” Whatever you believe about the Hereafter, a threat ends the conversation. The Prophet was sent as a reminder, and he was told he had no control over people (88:21-22).
• “What will people say?” This tells the person that your reputation matters more than they do.
• “You were never a real Muslim.” This is unkind, and usually untrue.

Do not make yourself the opponent

If you turn every conversation into a debate, you become the opposing side, and the person’s doubts become a position to defend. That makes it harder, not easier, for them to change their mind if they ever want to.

If they ask you a question you cannot answer, say so. “I do not know, but I would like to find out with you” is a better answer than a bad argument. You can suggest resources, such as this site’s doubts and rebuttals, or a knowledgeable scholar who is known for listening. But offer them; do not impose them. And be careful whom you recommend. A scholar who shouts or shames will do more harm than none.

Keep the relationship

Whatever happens with their beliefs, keep the relationship. Eat together. Talk about other things. Invite them to family occasions. Let them know, in words and actions, that they are still your child, your sibling, your friend. A person who feels loved and safe is able to think clearly; a person who feels rejected is driven towards whoever will accept them.

The Qur’an is clear that kindness to parents does not depend on their beliefs: even parents who strive to make their child associate others with God are to be accompanied in this world “with kindness” (31:15). If that is owed to parents who pressure a child towards disbelief, a family can surely show kindness to a child who has questions.

Many people who leave describe loneliness as the hardest part: the loss of a family and a world. This site’s doubts leaving would cost me my family and alone on the other side are written for them. The companion site’s article the social cost of leaving describes the same thing from outside. You can make sure your family is not part of that cost.

When the person is young

If the person doubting is a teenager living at home, the balance of power is very unequal, and that makes your restraint more important. Young people often test ideas aloud, sometimes provocatively, as part of working out who they are. Many will settle their questions in their own time if they are allowed to ask them. Punishment, confiscating a phone, or cutting a child off from friends for asking about religion tends to drive the questions underground, where you cannot help with them. Keep the conversation open, keep their routine stable, and keep an eye on their wellbeing: sleep, school, mood. If you see signs of depression or self-harm, involve a doctor.

Respect their privacy

Do not tell others about the person’s doubts without their permission: not the extended family, not the mosque, not their school or employer. In some places and some communities, being known as a doubter or as someone who has left can carry real social and legal risks. Our guide leaving and the law sets out where. The person’s story is theirs to tell, if and when they choose.

The same applies online. Do not post about them, and do not search their phone or accounts. Trust broken in this way is very hard to rebuild.

Look after yourself too

You may be grieving. You may be afraid for the person’s future, or their Hereafter. You may feel you have failed as a parent. These feelings are real, and you deserve support with them. Talk to someone you trust who will keep the matter private, or to a counsellor. If you pray, pray. The Qur’an tells of Nuh pleading for his son (11:45) and of Ibrahim speaking gently to his father, “peace be upon you” (19:47). Neither was followed by the one he loved, and the Qur’an’s rule is that “no bearer of burdens will bear the burden of another” (6:164). A parent’s love and prayer are not wasted, and a child’s choice is not a parent’s sin.

And remember that the story is not over. People’s beliefs change over years, in every direction. Some who doubt come through their questions with a stronger faith; some leave; some come back after many years. Our guide coming back is about return. What you can control is whether your home is somewhere the person can always come back to.

If they have already decided to leave

If the person tells you they no longer believe, the advice above still applies: safety, listening, privacy, and keeping the relationship. You do not have to agree with their decision, and you do not have to pretend that it does not hurt. But you do have to treat them with dignity. There is no school of Islamic law that permits a family to harm, imprison or disown a person into belief, and no ruling that obliges you to cut them off.

Practical matters may follow, about marriage, inheritance or documents, depending on the law where you live. Get accurate information rather than relying on rumour, and do not use these matters to pressure them.

What you can say

If you do not know what to say, here are some words you might use, in your own way:

• “Thank you for telling me. I know that was hard.”
• “I love you. That does not change.”
• “I do not understand all of this yet, but I want to.”
• “You are safe here.”
• “Take your time. We can talk whenever you want.”

None of these requires you to give up your own faith or to pretend to agree. They only require you to put the person first. That is not a weakness of faith. It is mercy, which the tradition places at the centre of everything.

If there is danger now

If the person you are worried about is in danger from someone, or from themselves, contact your local emergency number now. Our guide where to find support lists other kinds of help.

Sources

1. Sahih Muslim 132, 'that is clear faith'. https://shamela.ws/book/1727/298
2. Ibn Qudama, al-Mughni (Maktabat al-Qahira ed.), Kitab al-Murtadd: killing or harming an apostate without the ruler is wrong and punishable. https://shamela.ws/book/8463/3923
3. Qur'an 2:256; 2:286; 6:164; 11:45; 19:47; 31:15; 88:21-22, checked against api.quran.com.